Why We Don’t Have Kids

Sure, I wish I had kids. But it never seemed like a workable deal for us. When Deb and I first got together many years ago, she was hardly open about her sexuality; and since Deb was the first (and still the only) woman with whom I’d had a relationship, I was hardly open about my sexuality, either. It took a few years (and many hours of therapy for both of us!) to become comfortable being honest with our families and our church and our neighbors and our bicycle-riding buddies and our…well, you understand

By that point, it was the late 1980s and we were in our 30s…and it wasn’t an everyday occurrence then for gay couples to birth or adopt kids…it was just catching on in some younger couples we know, but we were stuck in some less-than creative times and held back by church and family attitudes. I wish we’d busted out.

Sometimes I find it ironic that my gay friends who tried NOT to be gay by marrying and then having kids ended up divorced because they could no longer deny their sexuality; now many of them are in happy gay relationships and with the kids. They’ve got the best of all worlds, while those of us in touch enough with our sexualities NOT to marry end up childless.

Deb started making “let’s have kids” noises in her late 30s, but that’s when I was starting back to school and I knew I’d end up being the one staying home and doing most of the caretaking and disciplining since Deb’s job is our main support and since she is NOT a disciplinarian, and I didn’t want to be derailed.

Of course, in the long run, who’s to say that having kids might not have been the better choice. But, to tell you the truth, Deb struggles so much saying “no” (even to the dog) that I’m pretty convinced our kids would have ended up shitty or our relationship would have dissolved over this issue. I joke not. It is hard enough sharing a dog and having to be the only one who says “no” to him. Deb may say “no,” but it means “go ahead, I don’t want to hurt your little feelings.” I love her, but this is a struggle for us and is a practice modeled by her parents, the results of which we still live with in many ways.

I’m completely open to kids now, though. When I worry that I don’t have the energy it takes to keep up with them, I’m reminded that the things I love actually supply me with energy, so I’m sure I’d muster whatever was necessary. We’re the official guardians of my cousin’s girls should anything happen to him and his wife; and yes, the thought has crossed my mind that it’d be nice to get them, though one is a holy terror. I could handle her—Deb maybe not…though Deb really really surprises me when it counts, and I may be selling her short here. You know, if circumstances dropped some kids in, we wouldn’t resist.