The Characters Deb Hauls In

I skipped church yesterday, but Deb went…and then she brought a friend home for lunch. But this friend, whom I generally like, sort of tested my patience. I mean, once you see someone  out of context, you begin to see some disturbing things. For instance:

1. She insisted we take our BBQ’d chicken out of its plastic container before we heated it in the microwave…something about exploding.
2. She wanted to talk about “stewardship” because she and Deb are on the Stewardship Committee at church; when someone wants to talk about that shit on a gorgeous day like yesterday, I usually change the subject to sex.
3. She thought Murphy was nice so long as he stayed resting at the edge of the deck. When he followed her into the house, she claimed he was a  “bad boy” because she said he was begging. He NEVER begs. I think he was just watching to make sure she didn’t mess with stuff. Murphy is NOT a bad boy. He’s practically perfect.
4. She couldn’t be anywhere near Henry…apparently, she’s “slightly allergic” to cats.
5. If it were her house, she said she would probably be working to remove the garden. Please. I about hit her.
6. She wore white pants and white sandals WITH PANTY HOSE. And here it is about 80 degrees. Enough said.
7. Except to say that when we went to look at the bees, she had to roll up the legs of her pants so she wouldn’t get any grass stains on them. What?!
8. I thought that was funny because I was just waiting to see her reaction when she realized what she had to wade through to get to the bees.
9. Which brings me to the poison ivy…
10. She got a little bit up the hill when someone said “poison ivy,” and she froze. Apparently, poison ivy will kill her. I reminded her that she was protected from everything because of her panty hose (I am hilarious, but I think she didn’t love my humor), but she wasn’t buying it. I told her that she might get less exposure to all that killer poison ivy if she just moved on rather than standing stock still in it. But she insisted on picking out each and every step as if there were land mines.

But don’t worry…we never talk about you when you visit us, Reader. Just this once.

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